just PAPA..

hmmm honestly iam missing dad ryt now n iam feeling emotionally weak.. but my feelings are as strong as it can be.. and iam going to travel way back into the tym when i was little and i was learning my first few words like ma n papa.

little did i know the meaning of home.. when i was being sent away from home to a boarding.. at first i was lost.. it was something i cant even express it feels like a faded dream now.. something like you cant remember next morning no matter how hard u try.. i remember my brother was with me.. and we were both very little.. and no we did not cry.. but before they left me i asked where they were going.. it was late evening and they said they were going to get some more chocolates for me.. i waited for them.. i stood close to a window watching the mountain and the road that was going to bring them to me.. i did not know any language apart from my mother tongue and in that place we were not allowed to speak any other language apart from english.. anyways that night i spent waiting for them to come back.. and then my brother told me that we had to stay there so i should go sleep.. i got a bed next to him.. we would wake each other up every night religiously to go to the toilet since we were kids and didnt have much control..

for days i communicated in gestures but gradually learnt lots of english.. and then one fine day i saw dad. n that feeling was of freedom, joy and relief! and next time on when i knew my dad was dropping me off to that place again id get butterflies in my stomach not the kinds that make u happy and excited but sad. i started missing dad i knew by then who dad was. he used to come see me on sundays n feed me loads of ice creams nobody better than dad knew what my first weakness in life was. ice creams.

and then i grew up.. i threw tantrums and was difficult.. every time it was time to go away id make a scene like it was my first time and let me tell you my dad was patient. he would kiss me at the right time just when the climb starts n he knew i was feeling sick and sad. though id never show.. i was always good with hiding my emotions.. and holding back tears.. only cus i knew dad would miss me too when he would return home alone.. dad would kiss me and ask me where are we going? with a heavy heart i could only hide my face in his chest and hold him tight..cus if i said a word i knew i would break down id wait to cry till i reached the dormitory and then even before sayin hi to my friends id head for the washroom where id spend good number of minutes just looking at the mountain and the road again n wishing i could see dad one more time and then tears wont stop..

much after that i got used to missing him and then seeing him again. i was down with measles one summer.. mom wasnt around.. dad was my mother and father too for those days.. he would lie next to me.. doing something with his hand on my forehead to put me off to sleep.. and there was music.. dad n me were listening to the latest bollywood track watching the rain outside the window.. no one talked.. we were in a different world..totally LOST and at peace. once again dad clocked my second weakness music. whoever says dads are not sensitive and they cant be like mothers.. WRONG. they are more sensitive its just the way they reveal is different. dad if you could read this.. i know you like you know me. mom didnt know all this that you did.

....and these little things joined together made me realise what my dad is to me. on a normal day my dad doesnt talk much at all, there is absolutely no open talks, laughs, and hugging n kissing no. yet we feel love so much love that today when i miss him it hurts. i din have to send him cards or buy him presents just to show my love, he never had to buy me gold and throw a party for my sweet 16. these things were not meant for us.. n yes i belong to the 21st century too :)

so here iam sitting in a cold room in the united kingdom wondering what my dad looks like today..i dont crave for money, shopping and friends and food..
iam starving to see my dad n mom..

papa i havent said enough..iam just out of words.